Waiting for… Godot? …The Perfect Moment?

What a week last week was…

Death was roaming around making it’s presence more evident as it cast itself on people the masses knew. It slammed itself onto the innocent who were standing up to injustice. And it also roamed less publicly into some of my friends’ worlds.

How are you affected by these final interventions? How does it affect all of us as a whole? Are you thinking more about your own mortality?

And, what does that do?

Does it make you feel freer, more able to create and focus, or does it put you into the “deer in headlight” mode and you wonder what to do? Or, do you move into denial after the first shock?

As death creeps closer in, I find myself re-evaluating my own priorities, and examining time. How do I spend it? How do I waste it? With whom do I spend it? If I really knew the exact date of my eminent death, my “dead line”, would I do things a little differently?

In this way, I view “death” as a healthy kick in the pants.

This is not an uncommon discussion and I realize I’m being redundant, however, we humans seem to need constant reminding. We’re a bit stubborn that way.

Two years ago, I watched my close friend die and heard her last breath. A week prior when she was still lucid, she pulled me close and said, “Trilby, I feel like I still haven’t blossomed.”

She was fifty.

Her echoing words continue to propel me toward my desired work.

I listened to a CBC radio interview, last week, with a woman who had been diagnosed with an incurable disease over a year ago, and given 6 to 12 months to live. Her voice expressed, “I’m much freer now, and I know exactly where I want to spend my time.”

She wanted to spend it in her garden close to the earth where she knew she was going.

Fearless was the word she repeated about her current self. “I seemed to live in fear before, and now, nothing can scare me.”

Asked about how it felt to be dying, she answered that she was too busy living to be preoccupied with it. Interesting that she has surpassed the doctors’ predictions already.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Seize the moment. I ask myself, honestly, is my energy going where I want it to?

We’ve seen the question many times before, but I’m going to ask it again. What would you be doing if you knew you were going to die in one year?

This article is not meant to be a morbid one.

For myself, I find a liberating sensation flow through me when I think about being more deliberate with time, and priorities. Nothing like a deathly reminder to get me shifting closer to the creative projects I desire to perform.

Just what am I waiting for? How about you?

No waiting here…

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A Creative Reminder…

Every once in awhile I need a good reminder of the creative person I am, and the encouragement to just show up and do “it” without overly judging myself.

Some days are extra challenging.

My father, who’s a painter, and I were talking yesterday about waiting to be in “the mood” to create, whether it be a painting, a piece of writing, or a play rehearsal. My Dad referred to some advice by a fellow painter about how we need to just go into action, and not wait for an inspirational mood. If we were to always wait for that slippery moment, we might never create at the rate we deeply desire. Simply, our actions can get the muse moving.

Again, I’m not expounding anything new. Again, it’s just me speaking to myself, and hopefully giving a nudge to both you & me.

The following letter is one I have hanging in my bathroom. I admit that I need constant reminding, and would like to honour my blog with Martha Graham’s words.

A letter written by Martha Graham to Agnes de Mille

“There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all Time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine: how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open … no artist is pleased…there is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”

bjeeves-card0158 (a sampling of my Dad’s, Barry Jeeves, watercolour paintings)